with a curse and a caterwaul

a long time ago, i wrote a post on my old blog entitled “with all the poise of a cannonball”. it was all about a worldview that i had already rejected, but wasn’t ready to admit that i had. so i danced around the issue with lyrics from the decemberists and conflicting positives and negatives of this paradigm.

i went to woodmans tonight after all the soccer moms and professionals had left but before the homeless people and vampires showed. i liked the people i saw. i saw tshirts that haven’t been made since 1998 and slippers that were never intended to travel farther than the mailbox.

in my “poise of a cannonball” piece, i quoted a line from the decemberists’s song, “when the war came”. “a terrible autonomy has grafted onto you and me”. at the end, i claim that not being part of a community made me forget how to assimilate into a community.

that’s a lie. i never knew anything about community.

i looked around woodmans and realized i had nowhere better to go. i could have walked between the frozen vegetables and organic cheetos all night and not missed anything. all the people i watched had somewhere to be. they weren’t flying around the store like the professionals, and they weren’t fighting to finish the shopping between tae kwon do and ballet. but they had something. somewhere. somebody.

you could say that i just miss jess and jaeda. i do. you could say that i just finished my army reserve bullshit, and anytime i put on the uniform i get all bitchy and depressed. i do. i am. you could say that since i just got back, i haven’t gotten back into the rhythm of my life yet. i haven’t.

but i think it’s more than that. i’m wondering about the nature of community. of loneliness and autonomy. i’m wondering whether anybody really feels connected to a community. or if they just happen to find people with similar rhythms to life. maybe that’s good enough. i wouldn’t know. not right now.

i’m sure that i’ll be fine in a few days. after i see jess and jaeda. after i visit with family and light off fireworks that still remind me of things i don’t want to remember. after i re-teach myself my life.

it’s this terrible autonomy that has grafted onto me.